Becoming My Own Hero.

I live in a constant state of loneliness and confusion these days. I become attached to people so quickly and easily, it’s sometimes toxic to my overall well-being. I have such high expectations of people because I would do the same things for them. I often look at this as a flaw; being able to love people so fiercely. My parents have been officially separated for a year and a half now, and my Dad whom is the person I hold dearest to my heart, has finally found happiness two and half hours from me. Mind you, he used to be thirty minutes down the road. I love my coworkers, but my job has become a huge weight. I feel as if my love life is a tiny sailboat in the middle of a storm on the open seas with the shore nowhere in sight. I desperately ache for serenity. Classes are beginning in two weeks and I’ve decided to only take two classes this semester simply because of the burdens I feel I’m carrying. I know all of this is silly and so inferior to real-world problems, but I have no peace. I often cry and pray in my car in the afternoons just for a sliver of light at the end of this tunnel. I feel like life in general is moving at a faster pace than I can keep up with, much less be successful and find value for my time in. I’m stuck and I feel like I did when I was a child, lost in the grocery store with mom nowhere to be found. That sinking feeling in the pit of my chest has become a daily occurrence, for reasons as small as a change of plans. I’ve fallen victim to this world and it’s cruelty I can’t do anything but be overwhelmed by my heartbreak.

So I’ve decided to take baby steps. I’m going to stop putting a timeline on my life and stop making it critical to my being that I’m finished with college and married in X number of years. It’s toxic. I’m going to start enjoying my everyday life and stop waiting for the next big thing to happen. Life is happening now.

I am thankful for a God who sees the deepest parts of my being and loves me anyway. Who knows how sensitive, over-analyzing, and critical I can be of myself and makes me feel worthy of something greater. I’ve learned that playing victim is never the answer to finding peace, it only creates torture from within; but being the hero of your own life is the most rewarding thing you can ever imagine. When you can sit down with someone and know what they’re facing and without hesitation be able to say “you will make it, and will be a better person because of it,” you will know it was worth it.

“And if I could tell you one thing it would be: You are never as broken as you think you are. Sure, you have a couple of scars, and a couple of bad memories, but then again all great heroes do.” –Unknown